focus.
am i getting out of sync?

i'm beginning to feel tired easily.
is age catching up?
what is there to make me feel excited and look forward to each day as i wake up?

once again, economics is back to haunt me.
Managerial Economics.
or should i say (after today's lesson) Managerial Econob**ch.

after 2 days of 6 hrs lecture each, feeling a bit saturated.
but admist the brain saturation, there are empty air bubbles floating around.
there's still many concepts i'm blur about.
and so many new terms to get used to.

well, thank God that i only have 1 economics subject to clear.
i want to be over and done with economics asap.

i think the most tiring part of studying isn't attending the lecture.
it is the journey of going home.
going home at 1830 in a sardine-packed bus, followed by squeezy-standing-no seat-long train ride (not really lurrrving my ride at rush hour..), and a 10min walk home with a bag of take-away food.
it's past 2000 when i reach home.

wow.
hello books, i love you, good night.

i feel like i've lived my dream.
though my skills were inadequate, it was definitely a wonderful feeling.
i stood where i was yesterday not because of who i am or what i've done, but it's because of who God is.
i knew my short-comings and how sucky i played.
but just somehow, i have to thank God for the opportunity to be performing on stage.

playing 20 songs as the resident band for the contestants wasn't easy.
it was demanding and challenging.
there were moments when i really felt like giving up.
i felt like i wasnt worthy to be playing on stage.
i felt ashamed of my skills because they aren't the best.
i was afraid that because of my mistakes, it will pull the contestants down.
there are so many better players out there. why me?
they are much younger, much more talented and skillful than i am.

what do i have to offer?
only shoddy skills.

but i guess this is what they call living in grace and mercy.
God is good and faithful.
He knows that i've always been dreaming of playing on the stage and as the house band (because i think housebands are damn zai!).
He gave me the chance, He gave me the exposure and experience.

the Destiny event was an eye-opener.
it opened my eyes to the world of music, to the world of performing arts.
if the world of music was represented by a piece of string, i am the smallest dot at the very beginning.
there are so many things to explore and master, there are soooo many things that i still have to learn.
in fact, i'm questioning myself: "what have i been doing when i was in secondary school and poly?"
ok, my sec sch revolved around studies and band, but my poly life? a little too much games.
games just suck the life out of you.
they give you temporary pleasure, but getting tooooo absorbed into it is damaging to your future.
the people i've met started guitaring young, got interested into music stuff, addicted to crazy solos and riffs.
young, talented, passionate.
i have much to work on.

i guess it's really abt devoting yourself into something and pressing through it no matter what comes.
i lack the patience to wait and train slowly.
i lack the determination.
i guess i have to be courageous and just do it.

i am afraid of failing and falling down honestly.
it hurts, it sucks.
i hate competitions because of this.
i lack the fighting spirit.
this is what i hate about myself and it's difficult to change.

hmmm... i think this is what they call the Johari window.

but still, God is good.
i know He is.
and of cos, not forgetting thanking Job and Anne for organising the Destiny Music Awards 2010 and inviting me to play as th Destiny Band.
it had been my greatest pleasure and honour. :)