I felt like I've attained an epiphany while I was showering.

Since young, I had always been given the opportunity to lead. In primary sch, I was made prefect. When I left primary sch, my form teacher wrote '... I've actually noticed your ability to lead during the camp ...'

I was only 12 years old back then. It felt good to be praised and affirmed at such a young age. But I doubted my abilities. I felt that I didn't meet the cut then.

In sec sch, I was made prefect again, then section leader and band major in the sch band. I rmb the drum major then approached me and said '... You have the ability to lead ...' and everyone was affirming of my ability. I still rmb the rush of adrenaline when he spoke to me, not that I'm gay, but it was such an honour to be presented with this opportunity to excel and demonstrate leadership at the age of 14.

It felt like I was wearing oversized shoes. I had my character flaws, my inadequacy, still growing up and undergoing puberty, rage, desires, management problems, narrow-mindedness, irrational, lack of confidence ...

I wasn't ready, then. But I had the potential.

'Sec sch experience is all bullshit.' I told myself. 'I never really had the ability to lead. Look at ah kao, I think he can do a better job than me. I think they've chosen the wrong person for the job.'

Hence during my poly days, I was quite toned down. Mainly because projects were a burden, and I started pursuing God. It was a time when I was exploring into healthy thinkings and inputs about life. Where else can you get positive moral inputs other than in a church? Even CME lessons can't induce much positive morals into people. The most beneficial lesson I got out of CME was religious harmony.

Moral inputs without anybody monitoring = moral hazard. CME teaches you to be good, but no one is monitoring. Who would wanna follow positive morals when we like to be bad? Because doing bad things make you feel good instantaneously. Your utility is maximized when you don't follow the rules. But following rules reap long term benefits, benefits unseen now and seen in the future when you look back. Hence, in a church, God is the one monitoring. Believe it or not, you are accountable to God for your actions.

So back to track, even though I spent time into religion, my results in poly wasn't the best (of cos ...), and it wasn't what I wanted too. I was slightly below what I expected. So now, even religion can't save my results.

Surrounding me in poly were powerful friends. Friends who made it into the director's list, who aced projects, had dreams for their future and knew what they wanted in life. They were driven, conscientious, hardworking, and always seem to know the answer. This made me feel bad about myself and it sort of became a barrier. I became unconfident in my academics, and being surrounded and pressured subconsciously by their passion and zeal and intelligence made me feel the lesser one.

Compared to my really younger days, the world looked so much different now. What once made me felt good and powerful is history, like a lion with it's mane all shaved off.

I knew I had to break out of it. Trials are here not to bring me down, but to make me stronger. If I allow it to take me down, I will forever be the lesser one. If I stand up again, I will be stronger.

I will always be surrounded by powerful friends. In fact, the number of powerful friends will increase. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I chose to learn from them. Look at their lives and learn what is worth learning. The outlook, confidence, determination, resilience, passion, dedication, devotion ...

The turning point was the 2 yrs in NS. Somehow, it transformed me. From a timid, inconfident boy into a strong and confident man. I had opportunities once more to lead, to be empowered, and to exercise my authority. I never abused my authority. I did my best to be fair, followed the commandment to be submissive to authorities, and to give impartial treatment to my men. I loved each and every one of them who were good at heart. The not-so-good at heart, I tried to love them too. There were many incidents that occurred during my NS and it had brought me from sky high to rock bottom and sky high again. It served to give me experience and develop a more rational mindset. Firm and decisive, daring to try.

What was more impactful was that we are all the same. We see each other everyday, and even the most powerful man with dreams has his fair share of downfall and indulgence in what we deem 'unholy' affairs. That was when I realized I'm normal. I shouldn't think I'm any lesser. I was made to do great things, and God is preparing me for it. Not that I indulge in 'unholy' affairs, and neither am I all that 'holy'.

The silver bayonet in my home and 2SG rank in my wardrobe are evidences that I am capable. Perhaps just a little more obedient and enduring and persistent than the rest. I know that these awards are not the creme de la creme, but it does affirm me a little.

All these events and achievements are the chronos of God's plan. The kairos is when I know I am ready.

And the fact that I wrote all this today, I know I'm ready, ready for the big things. I've grown into the oversized pair of shoes. I may not be the most zai, but if God says I'm zai enough today for His plans, then I am ready.

Through my 22 yrs of life, it is the chronos of preparing me for my future mate. I wouldn't wan to meet 'the one' if I'm not ready. But now that I'm ready, I'm just waiting for the kairos ...

Hahaha.

PS: honestly, I feel narcissistic when I write and post all these in my blog. Feels like I'm just blowing my own horn. But whatever! Let this post be logged, and be a point of laughter and fond memories when I look back. ;)