14 MORE WEEKS TO ORD!!!!!!
i'm feeling eggg-cited!!

but anw, a very busy feb ahead.
like only 1 full weekend? the rest are burnt...... gosh.
that really sucks...
my feb weekends are all totally burnt! burnt!!

it could be wrong could be wrong but it should have been right!
here's resistance by muse.
been ticking in my all weekS.
enjoy!



Is our secret safe tonight
And are we out of sight
Or will our world come tumbling down?
Will they find our hiding place
Is this our last embrace
Or will the walls start caving in?

(It could be wrong, could be wrong) But it should have been right
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) To let our hearts ignite
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) Are we digging a hole?
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) This is out of control

(It could be wrong, could be wrong) It can never last
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) Must erase it fast
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) But it could have been right
(It could be wrong, could be...)

Love is our resistance
They'll keep us apart and they won't to stop breaking us down
Hold me
Our lips must always be sealed

If we live a life in fear
I'll wait a thousand years
Just to see you smile again

Kill your prayers for love and peace
You'll wake the thought police
We can't hide the truth inside

(It could be wrong, could be wrong) But it should have been right
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) To let our hearts ignite
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) Are we digging a hole?

(It could be wrong, could be wrong) This is out of control
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) It can never last
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) Must erase it fast
(It could be wrong, could be wrong) But it could have been right
(It could be wrong, could be...)

Love is our resistance
They'll keep us apart and they won't to stop breaking us down
Hold me
Our lips must always be sealed

The night has reached its end
We can't pretend
We must run
We must run
It's time to run
Take us away from here
Protect us from further harm
Resistance

one new thing i learned today
making a decision, or doing something, that you don't feel peaceful about and struggle with can be from God.
did Jesus feel peaceful while He was praying before being crucified?
feel peaceful with the knowledge that you'll be screaming in pain with people holding you down and driving a long hard cold nail into your flesh to bind it with the piece of wood behind your wrist.
then suffocate and die a slow death on the cross.
defenseless, only despair will be your friend.
only a lunatic would feel peaceful.
but this was from God.
this was in His plan.
His plan for our salvation.
it was a struggle in the heart, a wrestle with God.
it was a lesson of obedience, of trust and faith.
how much more sugar-coated can this get?

i'm struggling.
i don't want to attend the course.
i don't want to go through the tough training again.
i don't want to experience the mental torture.
but if it's from God, where else can i run to?
how long can i evade Him?
i can only turn around and embrace it.
with joy.

looks like i'm in and there's no way out.
i don't know if i'm game enough for the challenge.
the thought of studying and memorising all the military stuff once more is dreading.
but come to think of it, i'm on the road less travelled by nsf.
how many were actually nominated for the acsm course, other than the regulars?
i am not the best, but being nominated affirms me of my attitude, proficiency and skills.
i am glad about that.
but because of all the good things and i get all the work, it's something to be depressed about.

sometimes i think to myself "so this is how it feels to let go and let God".
because i'm totally not in control anymore, and whatever happens i must accept and finish it.
because God will never give me more than what i can handle.
and i am trapped at the 'suck it up' feeling.
i guess God really wants to put me through shit to mould me.
becareful what you pray for!

it felt weird.
weird when i went to church yesterday.
i have no explaination why.
but it felt weird.
maybe i was just too tired.
or maybe the poison from mon-fri is just too strong.
and its gonna get even worse in feb when 3 weekends are gonna get burned by armour live firing..
i hope this week'll be a better week.
God i just feel so weak.
things always don't go they way i want them to.
even if they did i don't feel good about it.
is this how it feels when we leave it all up to God?

my gosh, just after the 2nd week of the year and i'm starting to hate it already.
i have grown sick and tired of it, i MUST ORD, NOW!

i keep tripping over stones, falling down when i go up/down slope, stepping into small holes, slip and fall etc.
i used to be so sure-footed! what is wrong with me from mon-tues during field camp?
even sprained my ankle.. yes, another sprain, but not so serious..
i think its the load that they make us carry.
the weight is just hardly managable.
but i guess the biggest problem lie with my lack of sleep.
fatigue has finally caught up with me.
the very little sleep since start of dec till now... my ability to concentraten and focus has clearly deteriorated.
i hope i can recover my loss of sleep fast....
which reminds me that i need to "zzzz" now...

this has got to be my most tiring and fully utilised week as a civilian!
this is the life man!
i love it so much that i hate to be going back tml.
night cycling, overnights, suppers, playing bridge, prayer meetings, slacking around..
i could only ask for more money. hahaha!
though i have a little bit of regret, the week had still been enjoyable! =)

hai, but reality check: i have not ORD-ed yet. =/

FREEDOM
this is what everyone craves for.
to be free to do anything you want.
to do the things you enjoy.
to use the time to do good things.

this craving is amplified GREATLY when you're deprived of it.
forced into doing things that you don't enjoy.
forced to pay increased phone bills (i never chat on the phone with anyone else other than for SAF purpose! $50 increase in the bill!! i don't even have a girlfriend.. it's money not well-spent and wasted.. =[ very sad huh...)

but through it all, i can only say i emerge a stronger person, $50 lesser to spend each month though..
more aggressive.
more straight forward.
faster movement, lesser crap.
bigger balls to do things, bolder to try, increased faith.
fearless when bashing into the forest at night.
perhaps a more stubborn one too.
fiery temper.
shrunken-ed brain due to low usage.

i can only ask God to: "give me enough strength each day to bring me through all these!"
give me the endurance to last just 4 more months!!
let me love 2010!! =)