i found out that i was poisoning myself.
i will die from this poisoning slowly.

hatred.
it is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.
i have anger.
and i am angered easily these days.
not by friends, not by family.
by security guards, by service staff.
maybe it's because i'm in the hospitality course and i expect people to be polite especially when you are a service staff.
i'm not very particular about security guards, but the swiss hotel incident i had made me still hate that guard for saying that i am ungrateful and humiliating me in front of other employees.
i had swollow down my pride and just apologise because i found no point in arguing when i am late for work and the guard has perception problem.
i'm very sure that i am not in the wrong.
but i would be in the wrong if i had continued to argue and blow up the matter.
although this incident was about 1-2 mths ago, it is unforgettable.
and i found it very hard to forgive him.
after this first poison, i became very particular about the little stuffs service staff did and did not do.
it is very bad.
i became very critical.
and easily angered.
and prideful.

so now, i have to change myself.
not only because i cannot change them, but also because i have to learn to embrace the imperfections of other people.
i am imperfect and i have my own flaws.
so i have to learn to love those whom i find unlovable.
and forgive those whom i hate.
and ask God for forgiveness for what i've done.

God gives freely to those who seek Him.
but He punishes those who disobeys Him.
i would choose to seek and obey.