I felt like I've attained an epiphany while I was showering.

Since young, I had always been given the opportunity to lead. In primary sch, I was made prefect. When I left primary sch, my form teacher wrote '... I've actually noticed your ability to lead during the camp ...'

I was only 12 years old back then. It felt good to be praised and affirmed at such a young age. But I doubted my abilities. I felt that I didn't meet the cut then.

In sec sch, I was made prefect again, then section leader and band major in the sch band. I rmb the drum major then approached me and said '... You have the ability to lead ...' and everyone was affirming of my ability. I still rmb the rush of adrenaline when he spoke to me, not that I'm gay, but it was such an honour to be presented with this opportunity to excel and demonstrate leadership at the age of 14.

It felt like I was wearing oversized shoes. I had my character flaws, my inadequacy, still growing up and undergoing puberty, rage, desires, management problems, narrow-mindedness, irrational, lack of confidence ...

I wasn't ready, then. But I had the potential.

'Sec sch experience is all bullshit.' I told myself. 'I never really had the ability to lead. Look at ah kao, I think he can do a better job than me. I think they've chosen the wrong person for the job.'

Hence during my poly days, I was quite toned down. Mainly because projects were a burden, and I started pursuing God. It was a time when I was exploring into healthy thinkings and inputs about life. Where else can you get positive moral inputs other than in a church? Even CME lessons can't induce much positive morals into people. The most beneficial lesson I got out of CME was religious harmony.

Moral inputs without anybody monitoring = moral hazard. CME teaches you to be good, but no one is monitoring. Who would wanna follow positive morals when we like to be bad? Because doing bad things make you feel good instantaneously. Your utility is maximized when you don't follow the rules. But following rules reap long term benefits, benefits unseen now and seen in the future when you look back. Hence, in a church, God is the one monitoring. Believe it or not, you are accountable to God for your actions.

So back to track, even though I spent time into religion, my results in poly wasn't the best (of cos ...), and it wasn't what I wanted too. I was slightly below what I expected. So now, even religion can't save my results.

Surrounding me in poly were powerful friends. Friends who made it into the director's list, who aced projects, had dreams for their future and knew what they wanted in life. They were driven, conscientious, hardworking, and always seem to know the answer. This made me feel bad about myself and it sort of became a barrier. I became unconfident in my academics, and being surrounded and pressured subconsciously by their passion and zeal and intelligence made me feel the lesser one.

Compared to my really younger days, the world looked so much different now. What once made me felt good and powerful is history, like a lion with it's mane all shaved off.

I knew I had to break out of it. Trials are here not to bring me down, but to make me stronger. If I allow it to take me down, I will forever be the lesser one. If I stand up again, I will be stronger.

I will always be surrounded by powerful friends. In fact, the number of powerful friends will increase. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I chose to learn from them. Look at their lives and learn what is worth learning. The outlook, confidence, determination, resilience, passion, dedication, devotion ...

The turning point was the 2 yrs in NS. Somehow, it transformed me. From a timid, inconfident boy into a strong and confident man. I had opportunities once more to lead, to be empowered, and to exercise my authority. I never abused my authority. I did my best to be fair, followed the commandment to be submissive to authorities, and to give impartial treatment to my men. I loved each and every one of them who were good at heart. The not-so-good at heart, I tried to love them too. There were many incidents that occurred during my NS and it had brought me from sky high to rock bottom and sky high again. It served to give me experience and develop a more rational mindset. Firm and decisive, daring to try.

What was more impactful was that we are all the same. We see each other everyday, and even the most powerful man with dreams has his fair share of downfall and indulgence in what we deem 'unholy' affairs. That was when I realized I'm normal. I shouldn't think I'm any lesser. I was made to do great things, and God is preparing me for it. Not that I indulge in 'unholy' affairs, and neither am I all that 'holy'.

The silver bayonet in my home and 2SG rank in my wardrobe are evidences that I am capable. Perhaps just a little more obedient and enduring and persistent than the rest. I know that these awards are not the creme de la creme, but it does affirm me a little.

All these events and achievements are the chronos of God's plan. The kairos is when I know I am ready.

And the fact that I wrote all this today, I know I'm ready, ready for the big things. I've grown into the oversized pair of shoes. I may not be the most zai, but if God says I'm zai enough today for His plans, then I am ready.

Through my 22 yrs of life, it is the chronos of preparing me for my future mate. I wouldn't wan to meet 'the one' if I'm not ready. But now that I'm ready, I'm just waiting for the kairos ...

Hahaha.

PS: honestly, I feel narcissistic when I write and post all these in my blog. Feels like I'm just blowing my own horn. But whatever! Let this post be logged, and be a point of laughter and fond memories when I look back. ;)

somebody once asked me, what's the most important in a ring fight?

1. strength
2. techniques
3. guts

i answered techniques.

he replied guts.

let's say i am a good fighter, and i have the strength and techniques.
but i have no guts to fight and execute the super combo moves, it's no point having the muscles and moves.

ahhhhhhhh~~~
i am soooo tempted!!
by summer abroad programs!
the most affordable and worth the money place to go is korea!!
I WANT TO GOOOO!!!!

but it'll be either 27th jun - 22jul or 4th jul - 29th jul.
and it clashes with the annual christian korea trip with church!
hai, have to make a choice!!!

but, $$$$ is a factor!
i need $$$$$$$!!!!

dear God, money drop from sky can? hehehehehehehehehe

this post marks the 300th.
i can't let go, i can't move on.
i've tried and failed.

hello 2011.

somehow, when my days were more free, it was really free.
and when they start to get busy, they really get freaking busy.
everyday, from monday - sunday, there's no one full day i'm staying at home.

i feel bad that i'm neglecting some friends because i'm too busy.
but i have revisions and assignments not completed, did rubbish and couldn't balance my balance sheet, and ME is due tml.
naiseee.
worse of all, i am short on cash.
every month i have to eat a little into my pathetic savings account.
abt $700 left?
damn sian.
and i'm trying to save up, admist all the meet ups and gathering with friends, unforeseen events etc.

oh, short on cash is not the worse.
rejecting friends is.
i had to reject my friend's relentless pursuit of asking me to batam for 3d2n, or was it 2d1n?
and i really don't have the money.
if i eat into my savings for this, i think i will have to eat maggie mee every meal and stay at home and not go out and socialise and meet up with my friends for at least 2 months to recover from the debt.

it made me feel very bad when they keep asking, and i keep rejecting.
if i could, i will go.

this is only the most recent.
after that, other friends had discussions to vietnam, tioman, thailand, blah blah.
didnt help to make me feel any better.

super sian.

maybe i should start working.
but i know, if i start working, my pocket money may be cut off.
then, i'll be back to square one again.
dilemma.

no money, but i really want to go for the korea christian conference next year!
and i want to upgrade my pedal to a boss gt10!

hai . . .

sometimes, i really wished this year's christmas will be different.
but i know it's already quite different.
because its just 4 days to christmas, and i don't feel the mood at all.
i don't feel the christmas spirit or light-hearted 'hohohos!'.
the jingles don't get into my head too.
maybe, my head is just overwhelmed with all the issues at hand that i have no time to feel christmas.

God, how about some christmas miracle?
like money drop from sky? hahahaha.
or some love potion?

i want to say to myself: WELL DONE!
i've completed a full marathon in abt 5hr 30min!
i really think i'm awesome, considering the very little training i did.
the max i've ran recently was only 8km!
of cos, not forgetting, Christ My Awesome Saviour. :)
it's a miracle.
there were many times when i kept walking after the 21km mark.
but i just kept playing songs in my head to keep me going and to get the momentum to run.
by then, my knees were hurting, legs became cramp and i had to stop to stretch frequently.

the worst stretch was at marina bay!!!
that placed sucked TTM!
hot sun, no shade, and for that 4-5km, there were only 2-3 water point.
mind you, by the time the runners were at barrage, it was the 30km mark alrdy! and the sun was almost scorching!
not surprised to see some people get heat exhaustion.
they should have included a few more water points at that long stretch.

and for the first time in my life, I HATE EAST COAST!
but not as bad as i hate marina bay. hahahah.

kept spamming power gels, thanks to junming for supplying! haha.
i only had enough money to buy 3 power gels, of which 2 were given to joshua n junming each.
so thankful to junming for buying and sharing even more! ;)

there were times when i wondered why the hell am i doing this?
why am i putting myself through this?
who am i doing it for?
sad to say, i was doing it for myself.
i always believe that there will be an unknown surge of energy at the lowest moment when you are doing it for someone you love.
but anw, luckily my mum called me at 34km!
told me she has completed her half-marathon and asked if i wanted her to wait for me.
tt was at 0945.
i calculated, 8km more, and i told my mum i'll finish it in an hour!
and tt surge of energy just came and i ran.
run-walk of cos.. haha. but at a faster pace.
and i'm gald to have finished by 1100, the finishing time i set for myself. :)

and now, admist this busy week, i've neglected my assignment.
A LOT.
i still have 3/4 of an essay to finish and be handed up by tonight.
and another POA assignment to be handed up on tues.
YES, i am tired.
but sometimes i just deserve it.
it's really ironic how when we have ample free time, we tend to procrastinate.
but when our time is short and limited, we chiong and make ourselves tired.
and i shall say to myself: 'I deserve it. i brought this upon myself.'
and i feel that i've not put in enough effort.

well, time to get on with my essay!
God, please give me wisdom.
i know i'm a bad boy... but ...

Perfect Blue is lurking all over my head these days!
i love the chill feel to the song.

http://www.911tabs.com/link/?6292140

but having troubles with the solo cos i'm lazy to pick up my electric, vs my classical just sitting beside my com. haha.
sucks when the fretboard too short, or inaccessible.



and i'm not gay, but hyde is HOT! hahahaha.
he's just sexy in this video.
i wan his nice long flowy hair.
but i guess it doesnt suit me.

when i'm famous, i wan to walk down the aisle like them.
show the peace sign, then the \m/ rock it out sign.
followed by the 'yo whassup niggaa?' patterns. hahahahaha

read this!
http://sg.yfittopostblog.com/2010/10/30/i-dont-know-what-im-defending-anymore/

i think the student could have given some suggestions when sm goh asked him for it, but maybe he did but it was not published. and it is true that the younger generation should rise up and lead the country, hence shld give constructive views beneficial for both the nation n citizens, instead of always commenting about increasing expenses, even though it is true. hahaha.

but honestly, after reading some comments, i cant help but to agree that sometimes we youths wants the 'quickie' solution and maintain our standard of living once we head out into the working world. we grew up with car, flat, and adequate pocket money from parents (don't apply to all though). hence, some might expect ourselves to own a car, a flat, start a family, get married etc within the first few years of our working life in order to maintain the standard of living.

if we asked how long did it take our parents to own a car, a flat, start a family and get married, probably 5-10 yrs of working. and if we come out to the working world, with expectations of driving a car, getting married young and buying a new flat in 3-5 yrs, i think we're too naive. if you say last time cost of living was cheap, and it alrdy took your parents 5-10yrs, then how long should it take us now when the cost of living is increasing? they served 2.5 yrs of NS last time too! and maybe not all pursued a degree after that. so timeline wise, shouldnt it take us abt the same amt of time as our parents took in order to have a comfortable life on our own? so what if we are DINKs nowadays?

i think the answer to buying new flats with rocketing prices is how much are we willing to save n sacrifice? are we willing to eat $3 charsiew rice every meal and forego $6 macdonalds and $20 ding tai fung? for myself, i find that most of my expenses goes to eating.

my expenses breakdown now as a student living off my parents:
food: if avg $5 a meal (main course + drinks), both lunch n dinner daily = $280/mth
transport: if avg $4 a day = $124/mth
hp bill with data plan: $46/mth
haircut: $20/mth. i believe in pay peanuts get monkeys. unless i can find a cheaper and still good fellow to cut my hair.
total: $470/mth.

$470/mth just to maintain myself. say if i cut a my hair at $10 and get a mobile w/o data plan, it's $444/mth. not much significant difference anw. i'm not even taking entertainment into the picture! youths nowadays like to club, pub, drink, take cab, buy clothes etc. hence we work part-time. so that we can earn enough to live comfortably. and when we are thrown into the harsh reality of the working world and break off from leeching our parents, we bitch about the govt for rocketing prices for everything. car, COE, tax, bus fares etc. even though it is really true that it is VERY questionable on the minister's salary.

so if we take entertainment out of the expenses, we complain that singapore is a dull city. and when entertainment comes, our wallet thins. when it thins, we complain other things being expensive, then we have no money to buy shelter over our heads, then we don't feel a sense of belonging because we are always working to pay off loans, then we say we want to migrate, then we say govt tax so heavily and our life is becoming tougher blah blah blah.

even though it is true that the govt shld do sth about it, but at the same time SM goh opened up an opportunity for the student to air his views and give constructive comments. dialouge sessions are not complain sessions. i believe they want to receive constructive comments too. if you are not happy about sth and you feel strongly about it, come up with a solution for it. don't present a problem w/o a solution. and it is true that the ministers are losing touch with the younger generation of thinking.

“If the majority feel they don’t belong here, then we have a fundamental problem. Then I would ask myself: What am I doing here? Why should I be working for people who don’t feel they belong over here?” asked SM Goh.

maybe he shld just sack himself now for making such irresponsible statement. he could have given a better reply. why should u be working for people who don't feel they belong?? so does it mean that you are not working now and still drawing salary?? and we are paying tax for someone who questions "What am I doing here? Why should I be working for people who don’t feel they belong over here?".

the new generation of singaporeans, we need to rise up.
stop bitching about how tough life is, because to each his own.
step up, present a better solution, and take over!

well, just my 5-cents POV.

One. Note. Samba.

if i can express my marginal utility in numbers, the lucky number for today is -50.

sometimes i wonder, am i that hard to please?
are my expectations too high?
or maybe i just suck at managing disappointments?

the whole of this week had been filled with ups and downs.
all in ONE day.
each day, there are some ups and there are some downs.
let me start from sunday.

SUN
my sunday was a weird one. for some reason, i didn't feel good.
i felt a little frustrated.
about my life, about my family, about my sister, about my future, about my studies.
and when rev fu cai called us to go forward, i just went forward.
i knew that i needed God, and i felt quite horrible inside.
i just cried uncontrollably in front.
i didn't want to.
i tried to hide, i tried to conceal it.
but i had no control over it.

MON
ups:
- done with churning out the scenes for christmas skit.
- musician training session was fun.

downs:
- throughout the day i've been receiving updates about an aunt who had been hospitalised. she went into a coma ALL OF THE SUDDEN, had to go through emergency surgery, but because of some complications it wasn't successful.
i struggled whether to visit or not in the evening, as i had skit discussion in the day and musician training at night.
but after i called my mum, she said don't have to. can visit on tues.
when i reached home from training at night, deren sms-ed me that she's in critical condition and anytime can be her last.
so i rushed down to the hospital at 11pm.
every sound that came from the life-support machine and heartbeat monitoring system just made our hearts skip a beat.
but by 0111, she's gone.
and i wondered "why was i there?"
firstly i wasnt very close with her.
secondly, it was very late already, i have school on tues.

but i just felt that i should be there.
honestly, i didn't have much emotions over it.
it felt more like an obligation and socially-correct thing to be there.
not like i can do anything to save her.
by the time i was there, we were all standing around and WAITING.
waiting for the inevitable to happen, while praying for a miracle.
well, by being there it felt more like showing family support.

TUES
quite neutral.
maybe i was too tired by the end of the day to feel anything much.
or maybe the only feeling was numbness and bo-chap-ness about whatever.
but i just felt the urging to attend prayer meeting that night.
and i went, despite me nodding my head at my lecturers umpteen times from 12pm-630pm.
honestly, i felt like a robot that day.

WED
ups:
- small little things that happened along the way through the day.
- having quick lunch with my friends from CMAC lifted my mood too.
- got 13/25 for PBF test
- met koh koh klunch for cheap cheap dinner at np after lessons.

downs:
- felt put down by my ME lecturer when i went down to ask him some questions pertaining the tutorials. that seriously killed my mood for the entire day, because it was the first time i felt so stupid and worthless like a fool when i went down to ask questions.
he misunderstood my question and i guess he was more concerned about going for his smoke break than attending to the needs of students, which is his primary job.
sometimes i really feel like i'm paying for QUALITY CERTIFICATION & EXAMINATION, and not for quality education.

- and just when i thought a good haircut would offset my disatisfaction, it added to it. BY A LOT.
i felt it was horrible. definitely not what i wanted. i felt so pissed.

THURS
ups:
- i actually made it to my aunt's funeral at malaysia. to be honest, it was a struggle whether to go or not. i had no lessons in the day but i had muay thai training in the evening, and knowing my family, going to m'sia certainly meant that i won't make it for training. because they will drag here and there and dilly dally.
it was a big struggle whether to go over or not.

1. last week's muay thai lesson was cancelled due to some school event. if i don't go this week, then i will be missing lessons for 1 mth. because next week i'm having worship practice on thurs night. so out of 3 weeks, i have to miss 1 session. and this cycle continues. i enjoy both muay thai and worship practice and this made me love my thursdays. but because of other events and i have to miss MT, i was not ready to compromise! i am already missing 1 lesson every 3 weeks. if other events (worship practice aside) eat up my lessons, i will go MAD!
2. i wasn't very close with my aunt. but sometimes it's just torturous that i am a christian and i should do the right thing. and the right thing is to go, even if i'm not close and we have different religion. i just don't want my relatives to have the impression that 'oh oh, christians won't come one la.' no respect one, last rite for dead people also wun come because of church church church. i hate it when people have those thoughts. but at the same time i can't blame them because they don't understand.
3. and if i don't go, i'm dead sure my sister wun go too. i had to set the example and go no matter how i felt. she already cancelled her tuition for thurs to go for the funeral, and she still can wake up thinking that if i don't go, she can don't go too. and if she don't go, what is she going to do at home with 'o' levels round the corner? i highly doubt she'll study seriously. just gonna use me as an excuse to not go for school and tuition and stay at home. but that's not gonna happen. and it's not that i don't want to go, it's because i didn't want to miss my already-so-rare-n-precious-n-expensive MT lesson.

but you know, by faith i just went to m'sia, and my sis bo bian HAD to go too.
so . . .

- just when i thought i couldn't make it for muay thai training today, God made it happen!
and honestly i enjoyed today's training tremendously.
the amount of explosive force exerted on the training pad eased quite a lot of tension that resided within me.

downs:
- people don't seem to understand me. and when i try to explain, it always end up like i'm in the wrong. really like i 多说多错. i hate it. and when i don't say, they just misunderstand me! damn.

- because of the costly MT lesson, i tried asking the coach to see if my fees can be pro-rated.
well, since it's in this section of cos the answer was a no. many reasons behind it.
but i still find that even after my attempts to be regular and how much i enjoyed MT trainings, it was just very disappointing and disheartening to hear that answer. there are other martial arts on days other than thurs, and if i know that certain of my thurs nights are booked, then why join MT? why don't i just join karate, taekwondo, or wingchun?
it isn't logical at all. its just passion.
i felt really disappointed, for something that i enjoy so much and is not willing to compromise it away for something else, to receive a 'no'.

through a build-up of all these series of happenings, tell me, no wrong, teach me to be joyful.
i seriously can't feel any joy.
or much joy.

if my satisfaction for a day is expressed in percentage, it would be:
ups = 30/100 = 30%
downs = -50/100 = -50%
satisfaction for a day = 30% + (-50%) = -20%

i know it's wrong mathematically, but whatever.
my main point is, my satisfaction for a day is a negative.
somehow, negativity is setting in again from a different angle and approach.

dear Lord,
i wonder how my tomorrow will be like.
based on statistics, the probability of tml being similar to the previous days is high.
You tell me not to worry,
i shall do my best to not worry.
my future is in Your hands.
to predict my tomorrows based on statistics is an insult to You.
an insult to Your greatness and mercy.
but my days are like kinder surprise chocolate eggs now.
there is uncertainty on whatever that is inside.
not all toys are fun to play with and are what i want.
i know i should not be negative.
but i just can't help it.
i don't have joy overflowing like before.
God, i just pray You make tomorrow a better.
because the best has yet to come.

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen.