if i can express my marginal utility in numbers, the lucky number for today is -50.

sometimes i wonder, am i that hard to please?
are my expectations too high?
or maybe i just suck at managing disappointments?

the whole of this week had been filled with ups and downs.
all in ONE day.
each day, there are some ups and there are some downs.
let me start from sunday.

SUN
my sunday was a weird one. for some reason, i didn't feel good.
i felt a little frustrated.
about my life, about my family, about my sister, about my future, about my studies.
and when rev fu cai called us to go forward, i just went forward.
i knew that i needed God, and i felt quite horrible inside.
i just cried uncontrollably in front.
i didn't want to.
i tried to hide, i tried to conceal it.
but i had no control over it.

MON
ups:
- done with churning out the scenes for christmas skit.
- musician training session was fun.

downs:
- throughout the day i've been receiving updates about an aunt who had been hospitalised. she went into a coma ALL OF THE SUDDEN, had to go through emergency surgery, but because of some complications it wasn't successful.
i struggled whether to visit or not in the evening, as i had skit discussion in the day and musician training at night.
but after i called my mum, she said don't have to. can visit on tues.
when i reached home from training at night, deren sms-ed me that she's in critical condition and anytime can be her last.
so i rushed down to the hospital at 11pm.
every sound that came from the life-support machine and heartbeat monitoring system just made our hearts skip a beat.
but by 0111, she's gone.
and i wondered "why was i there?"
firstly i wasnt very close with her.
secondly, it was very late already, i have school on tues.

but i just felt that i should be there.
honestly, i didn't have much emotions over it.
it felt more like an obligation and socially-correct thing to be there.
not like i can do anything to save her.
by the time i was there, we were all standing around and WAITING.
waiting for the inevitable to happen, while praying for a miracle.
well, by being there it felt more like showing family support.

TUES
quite neutral.
maybe i was too tired by the end of the day to feel anything much.
or maybe the only feeling was numbness and bo-chap-ness about whatever.
but i just felt the urging to attend prayer meeting that night.
and i went, despite me nodding my head at my lecturers umpteen times from 12pm-630pm.
honestly, i felt like a robot that day.

WED
ups:
- small little things that happened along the way through the day.
- having quick lunch with my friends from CMAC lifted my mood too.
- got 13/25 for PBF test
- met koh koh klunch for cheap cheap dinner at np after lessons.

downs:
- felt put down by my ME lecturer when i went down to ask him some questions pertaining the tutorials. that seriously killed my mood for the entire day, because it was the first time i felt so stupid and worthless like a fool when i went down to ask questions.
he misunderstood my question and i guess he was more concerned about going for his smoke break than attending to the needs of students, which is his primary job.
sometimes i really feel like i'm paying for QUALITY CERTIFICATION & EXAMINATION, and not for quality education.

- and just when i thought a good haircut would offset my disatisfaction, it added to it. BY A LOT.
i felt it was horrible. definitely not what i wanted. i felt so pissed.

THURS
ups:
- i actually made it to my aunt's funeral at malaysia. to be honest, it was a struggle whether to go or not. i had no lessons in the day but i had muay thai training in the evening, and knowing my family, going to m'sia certainly meant that i won't make it for training. because they will drag here and there and dilly dally.
it was a big struggle whether to go over or not.

1. last week's muay thai lesson was cancelled due to some school event. if i don't go this week, then i will be missing lessons for 1 mth. because next week i'm having worship practice on thurs night. so out of 3 weeks, i have to miss 1 session. and this cycle continues. i enjoy both muay thai and worship practice and this made me love my thursdays. but because of other events and i have to miss MT, i was not ready to compromise! i am already missing 1 lesson every 3 weeks. if other events (worship practice aside) eat up my lessons, i will go MAD!
2. i wasn't very close with my aunt. but sometimes it's just torturous that i am a christian and i should do the right thing. and the right thing is to go, even if i'm not close and we have different religion. i just don't want my relatives to have the impression that 'oh oh, christians won't come one la.' no respect one, last rite for dead people also wun come because of church church church. i hate it when people have those thoughts. but at the same time i can't blame them because they don't understand.
3. and if i don't go, i'm dead sure my sister wun go too. i had to set the example and go no matter how i felt. she already cancelled her tuition for thurs to go for the funeral, and she still can wake up thinking that if i don't go, she can don't go too. and if she don't go, what is she going to do at home with 'o' levels round the corner? i highly doubt she'll study seriously. just gonna use me as an excuse to not go for school and tuition and stay at home. but that's not gonna happen. and it's not that i don't want to go, it's because i didn't want to miss my already-so-rare-n-precious-n-expensive MT lesson.

but you know, by faith i just went to m'sia, and my sis bo bian HAD to go too.
so . . .

- just when i thought i couldn't make it for muay thai training today, God made it happen!
and honestly i enjoyed today's training tremendously.
the amount of explosive force exerted on the training pad eased quite a lot of tension that resided within me.

downs:
- people don't seem to understand me. and when i try to explain, it always end up like i'm in the wrong. really like i 多说多错. i hate it. and when i don't say, they just misunderstand me! damn.

- because of the costly MT lesson, i tried asking the coach to see if my fees can be pro-rated.
well, since it's in this section of cos the answer was a no. many reasons behind it.
but i still find that even after my attempts to be regular and how much i enjoyed MT trainings, it was just very disappointing and disheartening to hear that answer. there are other martial arts on days other than thurs, and if i know that certain of my thurs nights are booked, then why join MT? why don't i just join karate, taekwondo, or wingchun?
it isn't logical at all. its just passion.
i felt really disappointed, for something that i enjoy so much and is not willing to compromise it away for something else, to receive a 'no'.

through a build-up of all these series of happenings, tell me, no wrong, teach me to be joyful.
i seriously can't feel any joy.
or much joy.

if my satisfaction for a day is expressed in percentage, it would be:
ups = 30/100 = 30%
downs = -50/100 = -50%
satisfaction for a day = 30% + (-50%) = -20%

i know it's wrong mathematically, but whatever.
my main point is, my satisfaction for a day is a negative.
somehow, negativity is setting in again from a different angle and approach.

dear Lord,
i wonder how my tomorrow will be like.
based on statistics, the probability of tml being similar to the previous days is high.
You tell me not to worry,
i shall do my best to not worry.
my future is in Your hands.
to predict my tomorrows based on statistics is an insult to You.
an insult to Your greatness and mercy.
but my days are like kinder surprise chocolate eggs now.
there is uncertainty on whatever that is inside.
not all toys are fun to play with and are what i want.
i know i should not be negative.
but i just can't help it.
i don't have joy overflowing like before.
God, i just pray You make tomorrow a better.
because the best has yet to come.

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen.